you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
