we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
