Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i've created a new STD.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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