he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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