dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
