When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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