Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You ruined the universe
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
