Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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