I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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