I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
