ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
