I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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