I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
