I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
