Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
