I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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