Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
