Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
