To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Actions speak louder than pants.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
