I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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