when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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