You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
3 2 1 whiskey
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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