Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
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