Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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