I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
