imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
