Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
