the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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