You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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