Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
