just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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