First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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