i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
