it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
