That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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