I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
