I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
"it" just moved
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
