She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
