whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I smell stomach acid.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Boobs are out for the taking
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
