this beer tastes like vomit already
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
