So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
