Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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