conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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