Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
