i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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