turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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