I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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