He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
