I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
