I accidentally burped into my bong.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
