You made me cry and you don't even care
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
